Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Guidelines for becoming a Prof in Dept. of mining engg.

Here are a few tips and basic requisites to join the department of Mining Engineering in NIT Rourkela. This manhole was established in the year 1979 and has ever since produced the best of leaders, politicians, cons, assholes, failures, and black soot covered frustrated-from-life-with-no-fault-of-their-own angels (basically anything apart from engineers). To be a part of those elite people, who help in the construction of such greatness, is not an easy job. It takes many a year of cribbing, back stabbing, conniving and such an acute form of unearthly in-the-face bigotry that only the very best are able to become the HEAD of the department.

The present HOD has been maintaining a hold on his position because of the following basic rules, and his following them to their basic essence.

  • HAIR FARE: It is very important for you to lose your hair if you want to apply for a position here. However you shouldn’t be completely bald as it perpetuates a form of nakedness and perversion. Totally against our ethics. A monks circle works best.
  • OLD DOG: Even in your late twenties you have to give the appearance of a person of advanced years, with a big paunch, haggard face, constant irritability, afore mentioned bald pate, and a nasty scowl.
  • DO OR DIE: There are two groups in the department, one is the present HOD group, and the other is the going-to-be-HOD group. These 2 groups are at a constant tussle with each other, so you have to roll your sleeves up, tie a bandana on your bald head, and jump in the arena. It’s not important which side you choose. (However in one of the last fights, the HOD slit the throat of the lecturer who was close to becoming the next HOD. A very inconsequential thing, it should not scare you away. That is how a vacancy got created in the first place!)
  • RAPE ME: You should also have an acute knowledge of student exploitation and marauding techniques. The two groups have to pull the students in their groups to maintain their position of HOD, use them to their full extent, and as soon as their task is complete, start treating them as cockroaches, making them run for their lives.
  • TEACH? WHAT TEACH? : The department has no relation whatsoever to anything being taught in the classes. If you think that you are going to teach students, then you are grossly mistaken. It’s the last of the jobs expected of you, mostly an optional. You only have to concentrate on the above activities, and keep on lugging the students with shitloads of assignments and projects, of which you yourself don’t have any idea about. Don’t bother with correcting or checking these assignments either. The best time to grade a student is while you are taking a shit.
  • YOUR WIFE, MY WIFE, ITS ALL THE SAME: It will be in the best of your own interests if you are not married. It has been observed that whoever used to be married, either got divorced, or is separated with the wife living in some other city, mostly with another guy. It has also been marked that if you are married, and by chance, have a beautiful wife, then the entire faculty, cleaning staff, office workers, and the 80 students start eyeing your wife and make lewd remarks, gestures, and physical contact until your wife divorces or leaves you.

These are the most basic requirements, but they are not the only ones. Once you actually join the department there would be a whole new learning session altogether, about the finer points of department hierarchy, politics in the independent India, and where to stab a person so that it will hurt the most.

Hope you enjoy your time as a mining lecturer. At least we as students promise not to.